Hello all you fair lads and lasses! By this, i mean that all of you are not light skinned but are probably fit enough to be alive. Wait... i really don't know why i wrote that. Whatever.
Today, we are going to demystify the 'sex to prove love' myth. Yes, i said it, i am going to help you guys understand why sex is not the only way to prove to a man that you love him. Well, I'll be using my mum's words, dad's thoughts spoken out loud, and my very own personal experience. Are you ready? Okay, here goes!
History.
About a month ago, I got in touch with a romantic interest of mine. I was eager to reconnect and see if there was actually a future between the two of us. I was feeling out of sorts, and had this fake sense of bravado because I had reportedly admitted to myself that I had to tell all the guys i had feelings for, that I had feelings for them (will be covered in my next blog post). Turns out being brave can make you look and feel stupid. You can end up being the brunt of someone's jokes. I have a fragile heart but I wear a brave face (I also got into a disagreement with someone over me always saying "I...I...I...". That too will be another blog post. Wow, i am on a roll!)
Anyway, so this guy was quite attractive, and he was Muslim, and he was nice to my friends, but he was quite weird too. First, he expects everything he says to be law, and his assertive nature is not attractive at all. That wasn't even the half of it. He was trying to get me to prove that I loved him. Which brings me to today's blog post.
While he was ordering me to get intimate with him, my mind was spinning with lots and lots of thoughts. The major ones were; "is this another form of discrimination? why would i disgrace myself this way? does he really love me? do i love him? should i give in? is this an avenue for him to use me? how will i feel after giving up something THIS special? should i break a promise i made to myself on his behalf? what if he just gets up and leaves after that?"
Eventually, I came up with these question for myself, "what does Islam say? Am I ready for such a big step? And do i love him enough to do something that huge?"
I also thought to myself, if i wasn't muslim, would i have let a guy like him try that? And I realized that i wouldn't. So, with that in mind, i posed this question to him: "did your sister have sex before she got married?" he couldn't answer that. And i replied for him, "thought so too." Then again, maybe he refused to reply because i had told him 'no' and told him to come home and have a sit-down with my dad, and when he refused, i sent him a picture of me, and told him, "yeah, see what you missed out on!" Don't worry, the photo was totally GE.
Mama Knows Something
A while later, my mum started talking about marriage and family, and she couldn't stop telling me, "get married when you are still a virgin, and you are well-learned."
Let me tell you something about my mum: she is psychic. Well, all mums are, but her lineage has psychics. I have that gene too, so does my elder sister. Mine might be because I am a Pisces. Anyway, so she starts to tell us about her schoolmates who made the mistake of having sex before marriage and they got pregnant and the men they slept with married other women, and I started to think to myself, "oh My God, she can READ minds!"
With that thought in my head, I quickly archived the message thread of that guy, and his friend who had also been hitting on me, and i blocked both of them. Then i relaxed and realized that she was advising me because i was finishing school and going out into the world. Then i realized I was happy to have blocked those two idiots in my contacts.
With my mum's advice in mind, I provoked my dad to start a conversation and i couldn't help smiling as i listened. Yes, my dad is going to be an awesome grandfather someday, Inshaallah. He told me a lot, and what he said made me realize that marriage is not easy, but it can be bearable if you have a good foundation. My mum backed him up, talking about how Kikuyus always set the foundation to be a brighter future for their kids through investing while the kids were still young.
I realized that my parents were a good resource for information, and I couldn't help thanking Allah for them. As I said, Mama knows best. She is the only person who can help you when you need advice on things like this.
My View.
Today's pop culture has eroded the core values our societies have on marriage and love. Few people deem it important to be friends first, and get to know who you want to court. Most people don't even realize that having a girlfriend or boyfriend means you are courting them to see if they are suitable to be a life-long partner.
People today date because they think someone is attractive, or they are lonely, or they need to get over someone they dated before. Intimacy is no longer a special bond. Sex has become cheap and something people agree to do at the drop of a hat.
I am a modern girl, but I observe traditional culture. As a Muslim who isn't Cushitic or Semitic or Asian, it is harder for me to settle down because most of the above look down on African natives. Yes, racism and nepotism is real, and it is sad, really, how people can talk about the natives like they are never ideal partners, yet Allah knows best!
This prejudice has worked to my benefit though- I have managed to finish my undergraduate degree, and I am hoping to do my postgraduate by next year Inshaallah. A learned woman is the light of the community. There is always a good thing that comes out of a bad situation.
As for dating and marriage, I have decided that I shall not date. I do not want to date. It is a HUGE waste of time. Especially if you are handling manipulative people like the ones I blocked. Sex is a form of love, and should not be forced. Yes, it should happen naturally because we were born to love, be love, make love and spread love.
I'll be holding on to my books when I crash into the one I am meant to be with. I am not worried at all. I know things will work out. I was, but I have too much life to enjoy. I want to learn how to swim, I want to love my family, I want to climb mountains, I want to walk along the sea shores, and I want to love myself and my cute cousins who I watched grow up when i was older than seven years.
Lesson: Love is eternal, love is not selfish. Love is not manipulative, does not lie, or cheat. Love is natural and enduring and understanding. It is wanting the ones around you to be happy. And that is what it will always be. Once you want the best for someone else, nothing else matters.
I want the best for you.
Have a lovely day.
~Me
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