Lesson 44: Grown Now?

 I think I am all grown up now... or sometimes I think I am...?

It has been three years since my last update... or what looks like three years. Being Girly has always been one of my easier blogs to update because I tell stories my way on here. I don't need to use formal language, or avoid abbreviations. You know the best part though? It is the story of a girl to the rest of the world. 

Previously, I wanted to be a lot of things: a singer, writer, published researcher, dancer, and even I once entertained the thought, believe it or not, of being an actress. I know, I know... a girl can dream! However, remember Lupita Nyong'o said that our dreams are valid. Well, once in a while, I still dream about going on a world tour as a singer or author. Or both. 

However, I have since been swamped with activities that necessitate "growing up." These days, day-dreaming will not feed your bills (unless there is a research experiment that pays you to daydream)... Insomnia is one of the ghosts that has never left my side, especially since I turned 16. I blame school, but sometimes I also blame myself. Bills, future plans and constant conversations are always following me even when I flee... being an introvert, I do not like the option of no peace of mind, especially from overstimulation. 

With age, I have come to understand that as much as I may get angry because things do not go my way, there are situations where I have little to no power over what I can do. I have come to realise that I have no control over what people choose to do about what they think I am, and so with this thought in mind, I have steadily began to pay no heed to what everyone feels. I participate less and less in group discussions about who is getting married next, and I have absolutely no need to stop anyone from thinking that I might be the most uptight person. I do not have the energy to argue, probably because I am already overstimulated from work. 

My bed was my freedom, however that has since changed becauise insomnia is not really freedom, is it? I also found out that it could be a sign of anxiety, insomnia I mean... so now I have decided that late hours scrolling down fanfiction on Wattpad are no longer welcome, no matter how nice the stories are. Also, stop judging me about Wattpad. Actually, you can judge. I am too tired to decide if I care about that, haha... 

Okay, maybe I am not that grown up... yet.

A few days ago, someone asked me to say what was interesting about me. I said I take a while to process things. It hit me later that I not only called myself "slow" but that if my quiz was being marked by the said person, they might have been biased in a way towards me and I would either get a high or low score. True, I am a bit slow when deciding things, but who isn't? Not you? Oh, my bad... anywhoo, I legitimately said I am slow-witted, and now it has been a few days later and I am realising I could have said that I lowkey like gymnastics, or bingewatch Make It Or Break It anytime I want to see women being powerful... (again, judge all you want. MIOBI is awesome, leotards ir no leotards). I could have said I birdwatch despite not knowing the birds scientific names, or that I love nature... or that sometimes I sing to relieve stress but have never been to a karaoke bar... but nooo, I had to go out of my way and say I am slow-witted.

I have bashed my head in a hundred plus times in my mind. I have absolutely done myself in. I love being an introvert. It is beautiful. I think that is one of the most amazing and painful things to discover about yourself. Anyway, this world keeps on turning and you have to keep running... in some way. 

Till next time everyone!

With love,

Me.